Wednesday, September 26, 2012

No body understands me

   Fight with mom again. I dyed my hair from light blonde to dark brown and she's been bitching about it for days now, probably just an excuse to take her misplaced anger out on me some more. She's just screaming at me to move in to my dads which I can't do because I've put half of my high school career into student council at the school that I'm at now. It didn't take her long to start telling me how much of a loser I am and I pathetic and ugly I am. I wish the people at the adoption agency had screened the potential parents just a little bit better. This has been going on nonstop for four years I don't know how much more of it I can take. But for now I'm stuck alone with someone that hates me, now that my sister is off to college. I'll never be able to bring myself to really hate her though, because she's all I have. I miss how things used to be.

Here I stand Empty hands Wishing my wrists were bleeding To stop the pain from the beatings
- Flyleaf

Thursday, September 20, 2012


                                 Is this what my life comes down to?

JV Football game today, and of course I was roped into selling tickets and helping to announce which players did what. I could barely focus throughout the game. The boy I have liked for the past year or so was playing of course, and the one time he actually made a pretty stellar play I didn't see it in time for it to be announced. Varstity game tomorrow, when the real action happens. But for previously mentioned reasons I obviously won't be as interested in it as the JV game. More than sixteen years into my life and school football games are what I live for. And not even the varsity games. 

   I pray for the day when he will break up with his girlfriend. I pray for it.

On a sidenote I've been listening to some really cool songs on
Check it out.

Monday, September 17, 2012

It's not you, its me.

Somedays I feel like the junior midweight champion at overall sucking. Sure, I can spend each day saying, well when I lose weight this will happen or when I buy new clothes guys will just be lining up to go out with me, but deep down even I have to realize the ridiculousness of those thoughts. What if the reason I can't stick to my well thought out plans for a 'new me' is because I know it won't really change anything. I won't get a boyfriend, I wont suddenly get a bestfriend or a mom that I can actually handle. I'll just be the same person in new jeans.

Maybe its not my clothes, or my voice, or my weight, maybe its just me. I'm not exactly the nicest or most reliable person out there. In fact, in terms of reliability I must be pretty low on that totem pole.

Most days, I just wish things could be different, I wish I could be different.

But do people ever REALLY change?